The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
why didn't you poke me back
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize