That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
