Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
