My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
