I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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