i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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