seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
