I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
