woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
