dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
