Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
