Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
