My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
