There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
