hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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