my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
