You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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