Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My vagina is officially offended.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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