I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
