Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
