You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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