tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
