You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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