I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
