In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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