please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All the doctor said was why
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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