I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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