Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
