fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
