People with herpes should wear stickers.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
