I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
