I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize