Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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