that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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