I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
