Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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