I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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