i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
