There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
