i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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