I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
