Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
