I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
