Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i drank out of a bidet.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
