I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize