Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
