you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
