I'm gonna have a badass scar
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
