Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
