Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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