Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
