So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
