Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
