I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
