I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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