I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Terrible idea I love it
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
