I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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