I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
