I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
