im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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