Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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