If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
