Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
