Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
