I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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